This is the furst epasode uv 'How I Seize It" starring me, Loretta Jenkins. This just my spin on the wurld. Ima talk on all thet contravershul ilegal alien nonsense.
In this secund installments of 'How I Seize It", I let the wurld kno what i think ov Miss Linsee Lohan, Bich better stay out my trailer park for she knows whas good fur her. Haf fun in jail, dumass!
This iz the furst letter I am rispondin to ov from letters sum ov my fans has sent me. THis ones bout helfcare, plastickal surgries and how to beats the farmasutical bizness at they own game. It never get old when people tells me how purdy I am yall so make sure to tell me.
This is my theery bout whys strate mens hates the queer mens. Ya'll homafobagul. Ur wives r stoopid fer not knowin theys marryin a faggit. Servs em rite, i hates stoop biches.
This heres anuther commentarie ov political contravershul ov the Gay Marrages. Help me wit this cuz im confuse bout why gays wanna marrys each uther. Ima be singul forever, hell yes. But if they wanna be misrable like strate folks, I say let em!
Ya'll seen that saga movee 'Twilite?' Can wun of ya'lls get me back them two howrs of my life? Shit, that ain't no good vampur movee. I says them Dark Shadders is better, I wants to stab that Bella bich in the ear.
Ya'll herd bout this dumass flite tendent frum Jet Blues? I wish Ida been on that thar plane, Ida showed this nelly cracker how yous really sposed to quit yer job. He prolly tried ta get up on that Mile High club with sum big ass mofo an got his queer ass beet!
So I wuz awachin that thar show Horders, ya'll seens that? I thank they needs to git thet Anjerleenuh Jo Lee on that show cuz she hordin youngins. I like to git her an thet John an Kate bich an thet Brady Bunch bich an them Dugger igits an calls the law on em. May be I'll git sum cummishun frum Kathee Lee when the swetshop cums to pik em up.
Now, thaint nothin real bout this realitty show. I dids me some reserch and its time sumwun let this fuckin cat out the bag! Amercan Idol is sum bullshit! How dumm you sunsabitches need to be that thanks this fake ass show is the real deel? You prolly stoop as them dum tone def fuckers that they makes fun uv fur shitty awdishuns!
Now hears sum sik shits, yall. I wont you to member this HISI next time you go to tha Starbuks. My drankin buddy Shooter sez thet cawfee tase like shit, well Ima guessin he gots hold of summa this javva.
Ya'll Ima bout famuss. I gots three new ledders in my malebox! This ones bout sum skiny bich over Texarkana way. Yall bullees ovr thar best to wach out. i ainta fraid ta ride to yur town and fuk yur fases up iffin you pik on wun uv my drankin buddees agin!
Yootaw iz got to be a fuckin land a make-baleev! Marmuns is sum crazy ass wayward sheeps. How can yu live without alkeehol and ciggerets? Thets bordarline unaMerican. Ima send this kult sum Koolade after I lissens to me sum Donny Marie. Theys my Marmun uxsepshun.
Hey drankin buddeez, thits my furst ever bownus vidya! Knuckle knocks all around. Yall knowz I getz free beer fur these? I gots for wurds far ya, "Betty Ford wuz week." Why we all gotta suffar for wun bich cayunt hole her likker?!?
This overprivlige bich thank she so hawt. I relly cant stan this stoop bich. Aint she gotta even uglyer twin er sumthin? Ennyway tos this bich inna slammer with thet Linsee en let these dumasses kill each uther. Ima only stay inna HoJo frum now on. They prolly got beds bugs. Yall I gotta joke. If you getta blowjob frum Paris iz it calld Hiltonhed? HEh! heh. Jesus take this lamm home, aymen.
I figger its time fur a holurday speshul so i pick Hallerween cuz its Oktoberfest time. i foun out layter thet theeres no sucha thang as caneed zanex. its a spooky edishun uv my show but i wuz drugged up by Fedex. Can i soo fur thet?
RIP bloo smurf thangy
Yall knows how in middle of the munths I run outta munny? Well hears whut happen last munth. Oh an yall tells me if wun uv yuns knows a Jamie from thet collige over thar. I seems to be missin my good drawers. I need thems back, they gots my Burt Rennolds signachur on em.
I aint havin a lotta luck this yeer when goin to the moovees. Ets why I just downlode shit illegal off the internets. Whys I gotta pay iffin I don't like the moovee, answer thet! If it sucks, thets same as robbin me uv tikkit price, beer ta make it thru all three hours en gas ta git over thar. Wunner if I ken soo thet Hary Potter writer womun, she gots plenny a munny. Maybee Ill putta spell on her.
Im sicka boolleez yall. Folks pickin on the week an homo an ennything differnt. Sumwuns gotta takes a stans to theez boolleez.Yall queers needs to ban tagether with yur gay frenlies an fites back!
I knows yall thanks I would be a grinch come Crissmus time, but reely, you can be as drunk as you wunt durrin the Holurdays an nowun bats an eye. They simpathatize. An I likes Crissmus musik cuz theys the only songs I can member tha leeriks to. Oh an Happee Hawnikuh to my Jewiss drankin buddees out thar!
Ya knows we gots ar fare share uv ijits runnin this cuntry and ever so offen we gets lucky and wun uv em looses. Dis dum Delware gal dun put the stoop in stoopid.
Yall knows Im not reel fonda food but thet don meen I cayunt judge uthers far whut they eet. Ets my Chrishun rite. These flowery skiny-hippied dum sumbich vegums is juss vegetarians thet wunts more atenshun. Try en not pay em any mind evin if they do all smells like armpits en pine trees.
Shit I cunnit make it out to the shed far taday's Hisi. But I gotta queshern for yall, how cums we thanks we gots to have frens thatar cumpleet dummasses. Life aint no popalarity contess. If a fren or a bird or sumthin cum to you en you letter go and she dont cum back, well she wunnit yers to baginn with. Nuff sed.
Yall I been thru a ringer when comes to livin sitchee-ashuns. Good thang they aint never foun thet body. I aint goin beck in the clank. You hears me? Jess if I lets you stays with me fur a nite or weeken, dont wake me up for noon, less you wanna eyefulla led pellets.
Luv is a lie. Im sicka boolshit holurdays ets juss about cards an candy and reely its juss abouts stoop women puttin out far men an men jess wantin one thing. Next time sumwun breaks up with me I get to brake a kneecap. Ets juss fare.
Obviusly ever holerday is far drankin, speshally if you got kinfolk aroun naggin ya an tearin ya down ta where ya wanna stab em in there trakeah. At lease there a holerday out thar that sellabrate this feelin. Yall herd a thet Irishh gal Erin GoBra? She aint got nuthin on Loretta GoBra-les!!
Sense sumuvus aint yet got the bad taste uv Hot Shots Part Doo out uv our mouths still, lass thing we need is ol Charlee Sheen thankin he all that en a bag a shit. Yall tell me if yu thank Charlee is 'Winning!' ar 'Whining!' An if yu say Winning, well you a dum sumbich is all.
Peeples say thet reeality shows is the downfall uv sussiety. Well they parently aint never seen thet soap opper, Jersee Shores! But I gots a cunnundrum, cant figger out if I wanna drank wit thet bitch Snewkie ar puncher in the face. Hell, maybe I'll do both!
(Guest Starring: Kellye Mitchell as 'Chrystal Bovene/Snooki')
Yalls, we gots collecters en we gots nit pickers, uh, naw thet aint rite, uhhh 'pack ratters,' ets the wurd! Buts if yews got newspapers frum tha 80s stack up to yur ceelin, then yews prolly a horder. Sen me yur address sose i can lite yur house on far. Dont worry, ill wate til yew leeve furss.
Nuthin guess me more rile up than sumwun tryna tell me how ta talk an behayve an live my life. IT sez in tha Bill a Rites thet as Americans we can talk shit bout folk and if yyou dont like it, go ta hell ar liv in wun them cuntries where wimins gots ta ware sheets far clothes! N oh yeah I hates thet Pru bich.
Ya'll knows I aint no stranger to gettin my freak on. But theys rules, rules we gotta pass on to ar youngins. Folks say we shootnt talk sex to kids, an ta them I say ya'll livvin in a plasstik fuckin bubble. Betcha Sara Paylin wishiz she tawt old Brissle how to wrap a pekker, thets far dayum shur. Dum fuggin idgits!
The following footage was discovered by neighborhood children from a trailer park in Apple Springs, AR.
Yall evers notice thet the longer time marchez on the more gurls startin ta lookin like boys and boys dressin up like gurls an trannies gettin voted ta Prom Qween? We raisin kids in a gennerless suciety with these Jussin Beeber and Lady Gagas. Purty soon we aint gonna have no use for ar privets whichiz sad cuz I like my tiddies and my drankin buddies does too.
Lotta hate out thar in the wurl. I sware I thank it shood be illeegul ta use N words an the like, even if yous of that particular hate groop. I dont hayte on nowun cept if you ignurnt, then all you stoop bichez is fare game.
Yew ever herd a word 'You cant keepa good bich down?' Yeah Ima guessin whoever done cum in an shot me aint think to lern that wun. Lucky theys a mettle plate over my ticker frum when I's in the furss Gulf Oil War. Still, nunyall biches call 911 ar nuthin so yall fuck off far that. Still, reckun Lord let me live so I could brang more trooths to the wurl. Amens mutherfuckers.
Hells yeah yall knows when the leevs fall an all its time to sellbrate the real sport pasttime, not no fuckin borin ass baseball, that aint reely a sport anyway if yew cant get kilt in it. Its football time an as yew can tell, I kinely excited far it! PS. Fuck u Steeelers, I hope yew have stillborn babees, far yew rapiss quarterback!!!
Yall can laff ats me now, but jess yall waiten see. I predicked it here furss thet zombeez gonna cum real not jess far in the movees neether. This where it pay ta be skinny yet again in lifes cause fatties be the furss wuns get ate up cause they slow and purvide lotsa zombee food while ressuvuss gets way. Hell maybe fatties good far sumthin afferall. HEH!
Yall now lets get seryuss cause its votin time agin an that means it a hole nuther yeer uv election hubabalooba we gotta endurr while yet agin nunna these muthereffers gonna actually do no work while they try an get Obama job...No matter the retults I thank wecan all ritely agree this heffer Ima discuss needa quit soon, she bout a fukken retard. Maryin a queer jussa pleeze God,Isware dumm wimenz...Ihate her horeface. Hell I votefor her if you got ta vote by puttin a brick in a sock and swang it at her heds! HEHEHEHEHEHEHhhh.
Lord, seems yew cant swang yer tiddy wiffout hittin a gay-lesba-trangenert youngin on the TV these days. Whut kinda wurl is it when they lets grown wimins in a boys locker room, i dont care she they coach, full on dike ar not! Ohio a weerd place yall, everwun I knows frum there is kinely queer, kinely crazy an mose times boaf!
Seems that ever genrayshun theys sum group in humankine gotsa deal with inquality in laws an how succiety treets a fella man. This centry, it the queers turn and case anywun wundrin, I got theys backs cause them fuckers luv ya girl Lo here. NOM is like a KKK wiffout no sheets!!!
Shalom, SimSallaBim an all that Jewish Jazz, ya'll. We tryna be more global wiff ar holerday speshul this year. Hope yall Jews don't mine I gets inna spirit and dons me a YomKipper hat and ya'lls jew curls. Don't come tryna cicrumscrape me ya'll! LaKime! Long Live my Fiddler on the Roof Drankin Buddees!
Yall, you rockin in yur new yeers rite by tooonin in ta more HISI. I thank mose aquantance shoods be furgot cause mose people borin as shit ennyway. Does yall? Ennyway rent still doo on the furss yew dedbeet fukers. Peace.
Nassee, Plain ole walk in on yur parents fukkin kinda nassee. I thot this 2 gals inna cup wuz juss an urbun ledgin. Hell this a kinda thang they used ta stone people over. Sumwun needa sick Tippy Gore on these sicko bitchiz. Ima pray far them.
Im kinely fraid I mite loose sum my queer fans far this HISI, but I warn this heffer not to try an upstage me on my show. Maybe is all them whoremones bitch gotta take ta shrink up her pecker en ets why she meen. Word to wise, cracktrannys cayunts tell the differnce tween reel munny & play munny so if yew broke an feelin freeky, go get you sum!
An PS...fanky to my Gess Direkker, Sara Howard-Winebarger. Bich prolly scar for life affur what she saw, bless her hart.
Don't yall hate it when yew call up a cussmer surviss an gits somebody wiff a hinju accsent. How hell yew gonna serviss yer cussmers when yew cants pranounce good English? Bad enuff anytime I needs a hotel ar gas I gotta heers it! Eyeroll plus a dubble SMH, yall!
Yall its time to face sum facks an realness that we doin to the Erf what Ike done did ta Tina. Awell, we all see who wunned that fite rite? Well I learned my lessun thar, an nex time I sees wun yall throwin garbidge outcher winder a yur trailor ar car ar even yew horse an buggy amish fukkers, ima rent me a limo, roll up behine ya an drag yur ass in far a high heel beatin a yur life!!! Damn I need a cocktail, yall got me stress agin.
Did yall knowed it a fellany to sen pichers a yur tiddies to sunwun on the lines even if they covert in whip creme? WFT!??! I thank that needa be publix knowledge. Ennyway nuffathat nonsense. Yall enner up in my contess an lets say the top five dudes an I gitsa gether at the Sak n Sudz an react that Jodie Fosser movee scene cauze fuck some Luv, that bitch is dead to me.
Dem HBICs over at CBS needa put ya gal Lo on that Gilligum Iland show whar they votes off the week an the biggest bich wins. Well who a bigger bich an yars trooly? Ets rite, notta damn sole. An jess a note case yall Jew pradusers awarchin my HISIs, get ridda that Radempashun Iland shit cause its borin and stoop.
To peoples that sez I only hatin on the bisexshul communitee cause sum dude leff me for dick I sez SO FUCKOFFANMINE YUR OWN GODDAM BIDNESS!!! Its my show an I can hate on anywun I wunts. Strates is for Breedin an Gays are Gods popalashin control, which I get into laters in a season, but whats a Bisexshul do cept spred the clap an crotch lice? Keep yur pubix bugs, nassee bichiz!
it off ol Obammers' back mans, cause lass time we hadda depreshin we hadda have a presdent far twelve year or sumthin like et ta fix et shit up. I thank I mite go backs to stripin cause they cant tax my munny cause only I counts my sangles an cause fads cum an goes and the ecominy ebbs and flows, but pussy is always poplar. An I thank it unfar yew cant use coupons far beet, that prejudiss ginst those of use who dont eets.
If yall lets yur little wuns warch enny show wiff dis hore on it, well yew only gonna have yerself ablame when yew a granny in yur thirdies. She aint nothin but trash, pure trash whats family from some albina afferca-middle eese-lesbyana cuntry et raise they wimins ta be harem hores. Prolly hadda flee they home cuntry cause thet fat sisser a'hers needed ta drop a hunnert pounds less the goverment gonna take her ta markit. SMH BruceJenner, yew aint no Wheeties Box no more, yew look like a ken doll wiffa extra cromasone.